Nairobi News


7 categories of men on the streets of Nairobi

There are millions of men who pace the streets of this capital every day, but these seven categories stand out.

1. The charmer

This fellow knows what most men don’t: how to treat women. He pulls chairs for women in a restaurant and obediently listens as the woman seated across him ripples on and on about whatever she pleases, without intercepting her.

He is the kind of bloke who enters a room and sends a jolt of fire and ice through women’s bodies. He is a barrel of laughs and has a pair of deft hands particularly on matters cuisines – he can cook with wine. Mr Chivalry is simply the stuff that fairy-tale men are made of.

For your own good, dear souls of Nairobi, don’t bother looking for this variety.

2. The affluent braggart

You know this if cocktails, mixers and other high-rated corporate functions are your thing. His presence is glaring in marathons, grand launches and other social causes. For someone who lives off the dish of show-off, attention soothes his egos big time. In his warped thinking, he believes he has bigger balls than other men, and will make other men feel half-manlier at any possible opportunity.

His macho is the variety that reeks, and he just can’t wrap his head around why someone with gonads would struggle just to make a living.

You will find in this infamous basket business magnates and top CEOs.

3. The baron

There is an exclusive club of men who run this country, or at least the vast underworld of this country. These are few and own everything there is to own in Kenya. They act with the stealth of a mountain leopard. They are faceless lords of shady schemes, spin-masters of everything that is abhorrent about this country.

As little as a sigh from them unnerves even the country’s administration. It requires smarter men to blow their cover, and even so, they remain as steady after the storm as before one. Sadly, our country’s pulse it at their mercy. You know them, don’t you?

4. The villain

Viciousness, arrogance and sometimes even belligerence define this man’s actions. He draws pleasure from hurting toes as he chases after his fancies.

You are screwed if your boss belongs here. He doesn’t have sway in the office, and instead rides on a cloud of dread that gets people to do things. Not even a hog would stand his appetite for hullabaloo and scandal. He presents no worthy challenge in a contest, yet always gets whatever he wants. Write him off at your own peril.

5. The alpha-man

There is always only one superman in the world at any given time. And Kenya is definitely not the place to find him. This fellow is shrewder than all mortals walking on two. His mastery is half-natural and half-learned, his dexterity ruthless. His tact dwarfs other men’s acumen, whether in business, sports or politics, making them look like naked lads in front of a pack of cheering women.

He hardly says much, if anything at all, preferring instead to quietly analyse scenarios when other men are falling over themselves with vainglory. He inspires awe the world over, and his stripes are earned. Think of the French god Zinedine Zidane.

6. The wannabe chevalier

In all creation, there is nothing as distasteful as a woman’s pleaser. Folks, you must know that chappie in the office who pulls moves on all the women in the building? The guy who hangs out with the office belles leaving the rest of us to salivate with nothing for ourselves?

This does not mind wearing his car’s brake pads to allow anything in a skirt to cross the road, but will gladly run a man over. For him, every man under the sun is in competition with him for women.

7. Mediocre men

This is perhaps where most men fall. Men who spend their lifetimes trying to do amazing things, but failing with every attempt. Is there anything to say about this group, except that their desire for glamour is bigger than their ability to achieve anything worthy?

What species of man is your man?