Nairobi News

City girls, listen. This is for you. Have you ever wondered what it takes to be a female TV presenter? Do you idolise the young (and old) female presenters you see on TV? Do you aspire to be like them?

Look no further, my sisters. I have just the perfect advice for you. Look up, pay attention as I walk you through, step by step, into being the ultimate female TV presenter.

1. Looks are everything

You do not need to go to school to be a TV anchor. You even don’t have to be intelligent to be on TV. In fact, a brain is not a requirement for you to be a successful TV anchor.

Tell your parents to save their money and spend your college fees on buying land, because a degree is totally useless in Kenyan TV.

If you are already in a journalism school, I suggest you drop out because it is illegal for Kenyan female TV anchors to be well read or educated. Stop wasting your youth in university.

All you need is the face of Cleopatra and the curves of Marilyn Monroe. It will help a great deal if you are a petite, light-skinned girl. TV has no place for fat girls.

The few dark-skinned girls are an exception to the rule and the studio lighting makes them look light-skinned anyway. As you attend auditions, I will let you into a valuable secret. Do what the boss says, and that includes honouring all his requests. And I mean all his requests.

Now that you are on TV, you will be required to be a sex symbol. Dress the part; sheath-like, body-con dresses that outline every curve of your body. You are not even required to understand the topic of your interview. That’s too much work for you.

Thinking is not part of your job description. There are people paid to think on your behalf. The interview questions will be written down for you. You will be happy to know that a producer and a team of editors will do all the work for you.

All that is required of you is to look pretty and get enough sleep to keep the eye bags at bay. The TV station is using your sex appeal to charm the masses, but don’t you worry girl, it pays a lot to be sexy and beautiful, at least on Kenyan TV.

2. Fake it till you make it

There are three things that make you a great female TV presenter in Kenya. Nay, four. A pretty face, a toned, svelte physique, an echo chamber (where your brain is supposed to be), and a fake accent.

A fake accent will come in handy if you intend to make it big on TV. Your success will be largely dependent on your accent. Start practising right now.

If radio “queens” who have never been in the US for more than three weeks can pull off a fake American accent, I don’t see why a fake accent should stand between you and your dream job.

3. By all means, lead a colourful life

You see darling, the key to staying afloat in the TV industry lies not in your diligence and commitment to your work, but in your ability to keep the rumour mill in overdrive.

A female TV anchor is not complete unless she hogs the blogs. The idea here is to keep people talking about you. Lead a controversial life. Date a small-time car thief. Have a baby with a Nigerian or Congolese conman who will rip you off your little money. Marry a spoilt brat from a rich family. Hang around footballers and football club managers. Have babies with married politicians. Marry men of questionable character and ensure you change the wedding venue several times to keep your fans in suspense. Date your bosses and have their babies. Steal people’s husbands.

A female TV anchor’s biggest challenge is not scaling the corporate ladder, but coming up with innovative ways to keep the rumour mill grinding.

4. Capitalise on your fame

You have now made it to prime time news. Congratulations!

You probably have a weeknight or weekend segment and you are fairly well known across the board. Great.

The next step in your career should be to capitalise on that fame. This is my favourite part, so listen up.

Now, there are several ways of making your fame work for you. The easiest is to open a boutique in a leafy address and brand it with your name.

Lie to unsuspecting and gullible female fans that your closet, which they obviously covet, is available in your boutique.

Even better if you claim that those clothes are imported from the UK. Overprice those dresses. Make them go for not less than Sh10,000. Doesn’t matter if they are fake polyester dresses imported from Taiwan. You are selling your brand name, not quality.

Ensure you market your clothes on billboards and  social media. Your rich husband or one of your moneyed boyfriends will help you with  start-up capital.