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Eight survival tips for men in Nyeri

Dear Nyeri brother,

Take care not to be the next person to have reports of your ordeal on Kenyans’ lips like a headless cock.

That two men have had their manhood chopped off in Nyeri in a week has drawn a lot of pubic interest and there is groin fear toward our sisters from Nyeri region.

Listen, brother: we want you around and in one piece during this and every members’ day. Your absence from our ranks may change the common expression to “Tom and Harry” and that will be an injustice to the Queen’s language.

So, take the following tips and you will be guaranteed not to be a bobbit any time soon; maybe until another apple-bottomed fruit falls on another Isaac Newton to trigger a discovery of what women want.

1. Install only good games on her phone

If she plays games like “Cut the Rope” on her phone, she might get temptations to cut other things. Just make sure she plays games that promote growth of things, like “Snake Xenzia”.

2. Let her not watch golf

The most famous man from Nyeri loves his golf and that may be where the rain started beating us. You see, there is something about golf and hitting balls while standing.

3. Let her keep off people from the East

The Chinese and people from those regions should not be allowed close to her. They may introduce her to those items called chopsticks and you may just not know what verbs she may harvest from those items.

4. Be careful what music she listens to

Be particularly scared if one of her favourite songs is the chakacha tune that says “kata usiogope”. Good girls listen to songs centred around John, like Walanguzi’s famous number and that other one by Nigeria’s Yemi Alade.

5. Armoured clothing will go a long way

Take the web pundits’ advice seriously. Visit a jua kali artisan near you and let them make a good metallic shock-resistant armour. That will come in handy that day you go home high as a kite.

It is on such days that your wife raises a stink from here to Gikondi and before you can say “please be like Nyaatha”, she will take a knife and go for the bull’s eye.

6. Watch her language

If her vocabulary suddenly includes words like “truncate”, “round off to the nearest inch”, “emasculate” and “cylindrical”, don’t start celebrating that your better half is finally developing a soft spot for mathematics. She could be dropping hints on what she wants to do to your you-know-what.

7. Stay single

Or how about not marrying at all, brother? Women are not new to these politics of chopping things off. Remember what Delilah did to Samson’s lifetime investment of dreadlocks?

8. Style up

Let’s face it. All these men who have had their engines destroyed have one thing in common: irksome drunks! So men if you want to remain whole, just manage your drinking and if you over do it, keep to yourself or else…