CITY GIRL: The Kenyan man unmasked, choice is yours
The taxonomy of the Kenyan man cannot be simplified just to the rich and the poor.
A city girl’s gotta go deeper than that. So without further ado, I shall skip the foreplay — like the typical Kenyan man — and dive right in.
The Kikuyu man
They come in two varieties. The “old money” and the “young money”. Old money is the stingiest and most frugal being that ever walked the Lord’s green earth, and for a good reason. It took blood, sweat and tears.
Young money doesn’t allow you to forget how lucky you are to have bagged him, a man who recently won a tender worth Sh40 million.
Because they are teeming the earth and resources are limited, a Kikuyu man is born a survivor. His mind is purring with ways to make money, so he does not have time to remember small matters like your birthday or anniversaries.
A Kikuyu man may possess the cavalier disregard for fashion (have you seen the President’s dreadful silk shirts?), but if you want to live a good, comfortable life, in a nice home and driving a fantastic car, marry a Kikuyu man.
But don’t expect miracles. Kikuyu men have never been known to do boyish things like get on one knee to prove he loves you. The fact that he has built you a home is proof enough of his love.
For a Kikuyu man, love is a verb, not a noun.
The Luo man
Luo men are overrated. Don’t believe the hype. A Luo man overpromises and under delivers, and understandably so.
He has nothing much to offer, unless of course you can use his Instagram account and Twitter followers to pay rent.
Luo men may be the most educated lot in our country, but I am sorry, those fancy London degrees do nothing to dilute the shallowness of a Luo man.
They are not only competitive and astonishingly malicious (story for another day), but also very good actors.
Almost a good actor as a Kikuyu man. While a Kikuyu man pretends to be broke, a Luo man pretends to be wealthy.
He will drive a Mercedes Benz E class and live in a rented house as a Kikuyu man drives a cheap Toyota that he parks in his own compound.
Although most Luo are men of slender means — barely making it from paycheck to paycheck — it doesn’t mean he won’t shower you with gifts just to impress you. My advice; eat their money while stocks last.
The Meru man
The Meru man embodies the apex of intelligence, the pinnacle of brilliance. He is quietly intelligent, definitely more astute than advertised. They are master planners and also excellent executors.
A Meru man will make a promise and shock you beyond your imagination. He is a stoic and fiercely protective African man with great resolve and will pursue you until you give in.
He is a sensitive lover, great listener and his generosity is baffling.
Should the Lord decide to bless this writer with a little son in the near future, he better have Meru blood running through his veins.
However, it is true what they say about the Meru temper. I will say no more.
The Kalenjin man
Kalenjin men are not very ambitious, I am sorry. If you are the kind of girl who wants to marry an average man, and live in an average house, and have average children and live averagely ever after, then the Kalenjin is your man.
A Kalenjin man is happy being normal, he will rarely garner for a promotion and is always comfortable to play second fiddle.
However, when a Kalenjin man decides to wake up and work, there is no stopping him. Just look at our Deputy President. That, my readers, is rare breed of Kalenjin man!
The Somali man
Never has there been a man as good-looking as the Somali man. Somali men are warm, kind and genuinely concerned about your welfare.
Somali men are on a mission to fatten Kenyan girls because he knows all the places in this town with great food and will feed you until you drop.
Somali men are also quite intelligent but it is their resilience that impresses me. They are generous to a fault- some too generous — and also quite honest.
My advice: if your name is Njoki or Atieno, date him for the free food and be gone when Amina — his bride — shows up.
I could’ve extended this, but I have no space. So, is there a part II, the one where I dissect the Luhya, Embu, Kamba and Kisii and the Maasai man?
Only if I get inspiration!