MEN AND WOMEN: How much is too much information in a relationship?
You’ve just started talking to someone new. And it feels great! You both want to know everything about each other. But should you tell all? Mightn’t your new friend just disappear into the night? Yes they might!
But successful relationships are all about trust. So the first sign you’re starting one is you feel able to be 100 per cent truthful and open — from day one. Anything less and you’re just starting some sort of crazy game.
And anyway, even if you fail, it’s far better to find any show-stoppers early on — and part quickly rather than after several wasted years.
So the question’s not whether to come clean, it’s when. And how. That doesn’t mean telling all on the first date — that’s far too scary. But you mustn’t wait too long, or it will look like you’ve been holding back when things finally come out.
So possible show-stoppers should be on the table from the first moments. Like, for example, if you’re a single mother, slip that into the very first conversation. Something innocent like, “Oh gosh, is that the time. I must go and pick my daughter up from my mum…”
Some guys will run for the hills. Others will take everything in their stride. Likewise, quickly describe your marital history, children, past or present alcoholic or drug issues, debts, diseases, genetic problems, criminal record, being on an immigration watch-list…
Just a broad-brush sketch will do — the details can be filled in later. But don’t even try to hide something serious, not even for a few days!
INTERESTS, LIKES AND DISLIKES
After that, the best approach changes to what psychologists call “gradual reciprocal disclosure”. Whenever your partner shares something, share something similar about yourself.
Neither getting too far ahead or lagging behind. Things like how you spend your time, your interests, likes and dislikes, attitudes and values. Tell each other all about your parents, siblings and friends — including any skeletons they’re hiding in their cupboards!
Gradually increasing disclosure also draws you closer together, while any issues with either of you telling the truth is a warning of trouble ahead. Listen to feelings like that, they can save you a lot of heartache!
You don’t have to tell every tiny detail of every last fling, of course, or even how many partners you’ve had! But if one of them’s famous, then fess up.
Also own up to anything particularly wild you got up to — however long ago — and any current fetishes! So there are no surprises lying in wait for the future.
But lots and lots of detail is unnecessary. You decide what should be shared, or left as something purely private. And if you find yourself at a loss on how to approach anything, talk to a counsellor for guidance.
Later on, start discussing your finances, career, goals and ambitions. And each other’s cultural background and relationship expectations. All laying the foundations for a very close and successful partnership indeed.