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My boyfriend’s pornography has scared me

Dear Michael,

I am a 30-year-old single lady in a stable relationship. However, recently I found pornographic materials in my boyfriend’s house and I was so shocked. I have never mentioned it to him.

How can I bring up the issue with him as I am worried he may not find me sexually appealing. Diana

Dear Diana,

The risk of him not finding you sexually appealing is real. And you seem to already understand that pornography feeds the imagination so much that it tends to rob the individual of the pleasures of reality. It can be addictive.

First, you probably need to allow yourself to get over the shock of your discovery.

Second, you need to remain aware and attentive to find the opportune moment to let your boyfriend know about your discovery. Here I don’t mean using the phrase: ‘we need to talk’. 

Having been in a stable relationship, the hope is that you know this man well enough to know when he is not stressed, tired, distracted or likely to be confrontational. But don’t let too much time pass before you let him know.

Few people are open about their indulgence in pornography. The conscience seems to naturally communicate its social anomaly.

You can therefore expect resistance or anger at you, your discovery, himself, but whatever the reason for the anger, you would be the likely target.

For this reason, it might be safe for you to share the information in a place where if the anger gets out of hand it won’t be harmful to you.

It would also be fair to him because such a public venue that allows for private conversation would give him the option of not responding or even leaving.

Diana, as already mentioned, pornography could affect how appealing your boyfriend finds you. You can only influence the way a person perceives you, you can’t determine whether they will like you or not.

Since he is not yet your husband, his and other people’s opinions of who you are need to be taken under advisement.

Do you have a pressing personal problem? Seek advice from Michael Oyier at [email protected]