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Scorned Woman: Why accomplished women should never ‘marry down’

Most women who are successful and marry men below their status end up regretting their actions. How’s that for a starting argument?

I know quite a few that walk on eggshells around their husbands so that peace will reign in their marriages. Some of these men find it hard to deal with the fact that their wives bring in more money than they do. Their egos are so fragile that they read meanings into everything their wives say or do.

They play the victim card whenever there’s a misunderstanding and claim their wives don’t respect them because they are rich and successful. The very success that initially attracted them to their wives becomes a source of intimidation and perceived threat.

It is sad that even when women are willing to marry men who earn lesser than them, these men end up resenting them because they have been taught that men should be the primary breadwinner. They feel bad that their wives have all the money they believe should be theirs, and instead of being supportive, feel threatened by their level of success. 

This is why women who marry down are usually not comfortable in their marriages because they make extra effort not to worsen the intimidation their men already feel for not having the money the women have. This toxic brew of insecurities ultimately drives a wedge between partners, eroding trust and happiness.

Also read: Dating complex – Why most Millennials and Gen Zs are single

It is believed that men deliberately seek out women who are less than them in all aspects of life, intellectually, by age, financially, and even educationally, and let’s not forget with less sexual experience, in order to feel powerful and in control. Then women are literally encouraged to lessen themselves in order to land a man. 

In the past, mothers told their daughters not to overshadow boys with their intelligence and admonished them to act a little less smart so that they don’t scare their potential husbands away.

Today, things have changed and ladies no longer care about making men feel bad about their intelligence and financial power. These ladies go after their dreams and become successful. The sad thing is that a lot of men now befriend and marry these ladies just to make them feel bad for being ahead in life.

Some women are more educated and financially capable than their men, which is pretty much common nowadays. These women date and marry these men hoping to bring these men up to their level but unfortunately, in most cases, these men don’t feel the same way. They resent their guts and don’t hide it.

Also read: 8 Kenyan men who dropped their pants to ‘become women’

The men feel emasculated and inferior. They feel less than “men” because their wives are earning more than they do. They feel disrespected whenever their women express their dissatisfaction over something they did or didn’t do.

They tell family members and friends that their wives now boss them around because they don’t have money. These women are told to do the impossible to keep their marriages and are advised to massage their men’s fragile ego so that their marriages can be heaven on earth.

In most cases, these marriages don’t last because the women get tired of walking on eggshells around their underachieving men. They get tired of being reminded that they should be under their men and not above them.

Women who earn higher than their husbands get tired of being resented and verbally and emotionally abused for being the breadwinners. They get tired of being accused of using their husbands’ star to shine (whatever this nonsense means).

I advise high-flying, accomplished women not to marry down for whatever reason. Don’t box yourself into a corner because you think you can save a man and make him better. He will turn around and resent you for it. Women should be wise.

Also read: Celibacy until marriage – Kenyan men share their perspectives