Nairobi News


SECRETS: The deal breaker that could ruin your marriage

By NAIROBI WIFE September 15th, 2018 2 min read

I have written before that couples should learn to keep secrets, there is no need to keep announcing to the whole world what is happening in your life.

However, I did not say that they should keep secrets from each other.

As I had mentioned last week, I have insightful conversations with people I interact with every day. On the day that we were discussing the roles a woman should have in the home, one of my two married male colleagues mentioned that he would never tell his wife if he had borrowed money and in effect had loans to pay.

In fact, he divulged that he had in the past taken a huge loan unbeknownst to her and he never told her about it. I was in shock.

How could a person make such a big financial decision without the input of his better half? After all, the decision would impact his family, one way or another.

I asked him what would have happened, God forbid, if he had died before repaying the loan and his poor wife’s property was auctioned or facing debt collectors that she had no idea about.


He casually replied that the insurance would take care of it, no problem.

I found him very callous, and untrustworthy. If he can hide a loan, what else is he hiding in the marriage? Could he have other children outside the marriage that she does not know about?

Does he have health issues that he has not yet revealed? Is he in trouble with the law and his wife and children are not aware?

It is scary to think of all the possibilities.

He explained that he kept the secret because he was not very sure how the wife would react to it. He reasoned that what she did not know would not hurt her and that he would just cut back on his expenditure to service the loan quietly before she found out.

Until this day, she doesn’t know about it.


Why would people keep such a thing from someone? It baffles me, because these are purportedly the ones we are to spend the rest of our lives with; the people we have pledged to share ourselves with.

I personally would not forgive someone if I ever find out that they have kept vital information from me.

For me, disclosure is very important, for the big things and the little ones. Revealing something as insignificant as losing Sh100 to SportPesa and to the big ones like getting a promotion or being sued, to me is imperative to the survival of our relationship.

I do not know if other women feel as strongly about this as I do, but for me, this is a deal breaker.

Men, do not assume the way your women will react to news you give them. A colleague mentioned that it’s “our mouths” that keep you mum about things that are of importance to us.

But, let me ask you this, how do you know how we will react, when you do not tell us in the first place? Take a risk, let us into your deepest darkest crevices and see what happens.