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Unmasking Nairobi men: Simple tips for the asking

Finding the right man all boils down to your ability to read men. I have come to realise that men are simple creatures who just love their food, love to be pampered and love having their egos massaged.

Today, I will teach you how to profile the Nairobi man, right from his shoes, the car he drives, how he talks and even where he lives.

The wealthy man: A wealthy man is a simple man. He hardly brags about his latest car or newest apartments. His dressing style is simple, most probably casual clothes and an occasional expensive suit.

Wealthy men are carefree. He probably owns half of Nairobi but nobody really knows about it. Because he is a simple man, he will drive a simple car. He drives the old fashioned Mercedes or Range Rover or a simple but pricy jeep.

Mr Wealthy is not choosy, you will find him at cheap restaurant if need be or playing at a golf club.

Oh, a little secret. Don’t be impressed when a man tells you that he plays golf. I mean, every man in this town can play golf.

The secret is, when does he play golf? If he plays golf on weekends, he is probably not wealthy. CEOs, MDs and big time businessmen play golf on weekday afternoons to avoid the weekend traffic when the small boys in the small league come to play.

Mr Wealthy lives in Karen, Kitusuru, Tigoni and probably Runda. The downside of the wealthy man is that he is most likely married or taken. 

I think I already advised you several weeks ago on how to be the honourable mistress or ‘clande’.

The rich man: A rich man is a proud man. He drives the latest Mercedes or Range Rover Sport. He is flashy and loud. He loves to impress women with money and is perpetually talking about his six-bedroomed residence upcountry.

All men have egos but a rich man’s ego is the size of Africa. He likes to show off his expensive cars’ prowess on the road by driving recklessly- with the windows lowered so that we can all see that he has a Range Rover Sport. 

A rich man talks big; how he had lunch with his close friend ‘Evans Kidero’ yet we all know that the governor’s close friends don’t address him by two names, but by his first name.

His sentences start with ‘When I was in London’, and end with ‘Kenyans need to learn from the West’. He dresses tastefully and expensively and will never let you forget that his shoes cost Sh17, 900.

Avoid this man, he probably earned his first millions a few years ago when he supplied government with Biro pens and now he thinks he runs this town. Spend his money and run off when it runs out.

The hustler: He is a pretender. He drives Toyota Mark II, Mark X, Mercedes C180/ C200 and all those cheap Subarus you see vrooming around town.

He lives in Kileleshwa and other congested gated communities I will not name. He must go for rugby tournaments in Nakuru, will never miss Blankets and Wine and catch him dead in the house when Masaku Sevens is ongoing.

Like I said, he is a pretender. He pretends to be successful, buying high-end Toyotas yet he is struggling to pay the car loan. He pretends that he is always moneyed, taking you out every weekend, yet he lives on small loans, borrowing, Peter to pay Paul.

He pretends to be sophisticated, living in those high-end apartments he can barely afford the rent just so that he can end his sentences with ‘Us guys who live in Kile are so lucky to be near town’.

This man loves to club-hop with his equally loser friends and take pride in how they had an ‘epic moment’ in NaxVegas (Nakuru) during Easter.

He dresses tastefully but cheaply, he shops on Nairobi Stalls or Sunbeam for second hand shoes, jeans and belts.

He is christened ‘Baba Selfie’ on social media because of the amount of selfies he posts in a weekend. He will post pictures of his food on Instagram and photos of beautiful sunset in Namanga on Facebook and tweet from a dirty public beach at the coast “Mombasa is so full of wannabes this Easter’. 

Unfortunately, most Nairobi men fall in this category, and this means you will most likely date him. Go out with him, enjoy his little money but don’t lend him any.

The loser: A loser is simply that, a loser. I don’t even know why we are having this conversation. First of all, you mustn’t date a loser.

If he drives, he will drive a Toyota NZE, Toyota Allion, Subaru Imprezza (mostly blue), Toyota RUNX, ALEX and Toyota Caldina.

He just started working and landed his first car loan. He dresses OK and shops mainly from the stalls. I don’t really have much to say about him, save for the fact that he should not be dating you, but should be dating a 19-year-old high school leaver.

However, should you find yourself unlucky enough to date this type, I advise that you run the other way. The hustler is 100 times better.