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Want to be a side chick? Here’s how to play safe

You are seated there, pretending that the man you are sexting on WhatsApp is yours, knowing too well that you are his side dish, God is watching.

You are in your house, whipping a gourmet for another woman’s man – probably married – pretending that he is your boyfriend, God is watching.

You are boasting how your man was busy on Valentine’s Day but made up for it with a romantic dinner knowing too well that he was with his wife on that day, God is watching. 

Hope and pray

But who am I to judge? What I will do instead is hope and pray that karma does not catch up with you in this lifetime.

You are also lucky, because today I will advise you on being the honourable side chick. So pull a chair sister, because this might take a while. 

Thou shall respect the Number One: Being with another woman’s man is enough to secure you the hottest corner in hell, but disrespecting his ‘First Lady’ is going to get you struck to death by God.

What I am saying is, respect the woman who came before you.

Ladies, let us agree that you will not call the main woman one rainy lonely night to insult or criticise her fashion (no matter how drab).

That you will not speak ill of her or her children or stalk her on social media.

I cannot emphasise this enough, do not call that man in the dead of the night when you know very well that he is at home with Number One.

Mark your territory. Stay there: Now, the upside of being ‘the other woman’ is that you will be the trophy, the one to be shown off to his business partners and equally naughty friends.

The downside is that rarely will he ask you to accompany him to public or family functions because society does not recognise you.

It recognises and respects the woman he has openly introduced as his main woman. So when you cannot accompany him to a cocktail party to celebrate his new appointment, please, my dear girl, tosheka (live with it). 

May I add, weekends are family time. On Saturday, he takes his sons to ligi ndogo or his daughter for a birthday.

Sundays, he acts the good husband and accompanies his family to church. It’s just not your territory; it’s the first lady’s. So sit in your servant’s quarter like a nice girl, paint your nails, watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians or cry yourself to sleep.

Do not expect him to spend Christmas or New Year with you. Your time is usually after the holiday, think Boxing Day and January 2. 

Expect nothing

Lower your expectations. In fact, have none: I know he is a good catch. Everything we talked about last month; moneyed, connected, classy. Plays golf on Tuesday afternoons, remember?

But he is another woman’s man. In a moment of weakness, he might have mentioned the idea of ‘making this permanent’, but trust me, he didn’t mean it.

So trash your dreams of having his babies or being introduced to his mother. Forget a fairy tale wedding if he has already had one. 

Men hate weddings, and seldom will they make the mistake twice. Besides, that’s what first ladies are for; weddings, babies, mother-in-law.

You, my dear friend, are just a good-looking, young distraction. If you want a husband and children, then look for your own man and get hitched. 

Keep your mouth shut: We know you are a politician’s or CEO’s side chick. Men in your office avoid you because you are kitu ya mkubwa (the boss’ chick). We have seen the big cars dropping and picking you to and from work.

We know you live in a house in a leafy suburb whose rent costs twice your salary. In short, we know you are kept. So don’t rub it on our faces. 

Every side chick’s secret weapon is her silence. Her intelligence is measured by her ability to keep a dirty little secret. No man worth his reputation would want to be associated with a mistress. 

I know ABCs drama Scandal has glorified Olivia Pope as President Grant’s mistress, but there is nothing glamorous about being a mistress. So live with it, quietly.