Nairobi News

Nyeri women are over-rated when it comes to relationships. They hog acres of newspaper space and radio talk shows for nothing. All they do is batter their men with pangas.

The real woman, my dear friends, is the one from Kiambu. She is the epitome of womanhood. The Proverbs 31 woman is none other than that from Kiambu.

Of course there are other women out there who can make great wives and wonderful mothers, but a Kiambu woman is a rare catch.

The Kiambu woman is embellished with precious gems; she is the quintessence of womanhood and the zenith of gracefulness and femininity.

She is the woman every man needs in his life – as a wife, a mistress or even a girlfriend.

END SEARCH

Are you a man looking for a good, virtuous woman? Are you in search of a woman who will add value to your life? End your search immediately. Recall your search parties. Look no further. In fact, vuta stool. I have some secrets I will share.

The Kiambu woman knows what many women do not know; that the measure of a woman lies not in her beauty or elegance, but in what she does with a man.

When a Kiambu woman meets a man, you know, a kawaida guy with a normal job and average goals, she takes that man as her personal project.

You become her enterprise. Her idea. Her conception. She takes you under her wing; she adopts you into the warmth of her fold, and then she begins to work on you.

You become her canvas, and like a painter, she deliberately and meticulously works on you with attention to detail.

A Kiambu woman’s designs are hand-glazed with thorough care and attention. What a potter does to a pot is what a Kiambu woman does to a man.

Once she is done with you, you become a polished gem; a refined gentleman; a masterpiece.

CEASE TO BE AVERAGE

The Kiambu woman will push your intellectual boundaries and make you think beyond your wildest dreams. With her, you cease to be average. You become a great man.

You see, the brain of a Kiambu woman works like a computer. She thinks on her feet and she is always thinking ahead of her time.

If you, as a man, would like to break out from the pack of losers and sit at the table of real men, then a Kiambu woman is what you need.

She is the craftiest, most conniving creature God ever made. There is not a single creature of God that is more scheming, astute and clever like the Kiambu woman.  She is like an eagle. Intelligent, powerful, fiercely independent and vision-driven.

Look around, my dear friends, and think of all the men who are married to Kiambu women. No, take your time. Think long and hard. What is different about these men? Aren’t they wealthier and more intelligent?

These are the men who own serious properties in the city centre, Nairobi. Others are astute horticulture farmers in Timau and Naivasha. They are powerful men. Why? Because the wind beneath their wings is their Kiambu women.

Because the Kiambu woman is the most vicious and ruthless creature on God’s green earth, I would advise that you do not find yourself crossing her path. Oh, she will destroy you!

GLASS GRINDERS

At this point, I would like to bring to your attention the ‘Glass grinders of Kiambu”. You wonder what I mean? I will explain shortly. You see, when you irk a Kiambu woman; say, cheat on her, steal from her or betray her….you are in for some serious consequences, brother.

A Kiambu woman does not take any prisoners. She does not forgive. She does not forget. She believes that the only way to deal with an enemy – such as a cheating husband is to destroy them. Completely.

Here is how she works; when she discovers that you are cheating or up to something stupid, she begins to plot her revenge, carefully and intricately. A Kiambu woman kills you softly. Like a crocodile, she will stay still under water and wait to attack at the right time.

So, when is the right time? Just when you have finished building those beautiful flats in Ruaka or Kinoo. Just when you have cleared that mortgage. A few months after you have serviced that kaloan; when you have completed that mjengo upcountry or when you have bought 80 acres in Kajiado.

RETALIATION

Then she will act normal. Whip up gourmets for you like never before. Be the loving wife. But what you will not know is that she is planning her retaliation.

You have to marry her, sweet talk one of them or reach out to me personally to know how they do it.

Slowly, your health will begin to deteriorate. You begin to have seizures and hot flushes. Something is happening to you. Something is eating you up. It is not cancer. No, it is not even HIV/Aids. Neither is it even Ebola. You will not know what hit you.

Like the good wife, she will take you to hospital even in the dead of the night when you are so weak after vomiting your kidneys out. She will remind you when to take your medicine and even cook for you some special meals.

The doctors will prescribe their medicine, but guess what, you are still eating your Kiambu wife’s food and under her warm care.

A few months later, you are rushed to India or the UK for specialised treatment. By the time the doctors figure out what is eating you up, my friend, you are knocking on heaven’s doors, begging to be let in.

Well, you have also heard cases of husbands being shot without anything being stolen from them. I will spare that for another day.

Meanwhile, on one of her many trips to Dubai, she bought a perfect black dress and a matching hat that she planned to wear to your funeral.

A perfect actress, she will act like the poor little widow whose husband died before his time. Inside, she is gushing with glee. She has won. She is the tough woman from Kiambu! And she will live happily ever after.