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Your subconscious response to the need for ‘closure’ more times than not is instigated by the need to fix the ‘problem’

What exactly is closure anyway? I’m probably going to use a lot of air quotes on the word ‘closure’ in this piece because frankly, the word doesn’t have a standard definition from where I stand.

Many of us seem to be obsessed with the need for ‘closure’ when a relationship ends or a potential partner ghosts us out of the blue.

You try to figure out by yourself why things went down the way they did or what you could have possibly done to make someone want to leave but you can’t quite put your finger on it. This massively disturbs your peace and becomes the epicenter of your self-induced misery, which ultimately leads you down the path of seeking ‘closure’.

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You keep telling yourself that you can’t possibly have peace until you talk to that particular person and set things straight or at the very least, they give you an explanation as to why they decided to end things or ghost you.

Closure is a myth. The way people leave you, the way they exit your life, the way they leave their relationship or connection with you, is all the closure you need. Find clarity in actions, not words.

More times than not, you’re not going to like the answer you get anyway. Here’s the thing I’ve realized. When you seek closure, most of the time you’re looking for a loophole. A way you can try to fix the cause of the problem so that things can go back to the way they were. Not many will accept this though. Most we’ll justify their need for ‘closure’ as simply wanting to know what they did wrong so that they can correct their mistakes and avoid them in the future. Which is also true. And frankly justifiable.

However, your subconscious response to the need for ‘closure’ more times than not is instigated by the need to fix the ‘problem’. When someone says they need closure they’re simply asking ‘Is there something I can do to fix us’. They want to know the chances of making things better first before they can give up, let go and move on.

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“Closure happens right after you accept that letting go and moving on is way more important than projecting a fantasy of how the relationship could have been,” ~Sylvester McNutt

We re-open our doors to toxic people and call it ‘seeking closure’. Healing from heartache does not come from closure. The emotions you have to work through can only be transformed from within. With or without the apology, explanation, or the last meet up, (something my best friend told me is also referred to as ‘one mores’), one more date, one more talk, one more kiss, one more hug, despite all that, you still have your emotions to deal with. Getting ‘closure’ from the other person does not necessarily make it any easier. It actually doesn’t in my opinion, but we can agree to disagree.

Focusing on closure rather than healing is simply a way to hold onto the relationship, even if you’re just holding onto the pain. Looking for healing through the person who hurt you will always be fleeting, and only leaves you feeling crappier than before. Why add salt to the wound?

Here’s the truth. The responses from the person you’re seeking closure will only lead to more questions. That ‘one last meeting’ only extends the pain and leaves you far more frustrated.

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We have a common belief that time heals. But the nasty truth is that it does not do the healing. Time is simply an element in the healing process. At the end of the day, it’s the work you put into healing that gets you there.

The beauty of giving yourself closure is that you slowly notice that you’re no longer triggered by the same external situations that used to get you on edge, not because things around you are any different, but because you are different.

When you learn to heal an internal wound, shift your perspective, and change your responses to events, you gain peace from the inside. You take back your power. This is not dictated by time, but rather by your will to make these changes in your life.

How badly do you want to break a toxic pattern? A forlorn attachment? A toxic bond perhaps? The answer you give yourself is all the fuel you need to move forward. I should know.