A healthy break-up can lead to new, better romantic relationship – expert
Hurting people hurt others. Bleeding people unfairly bleed on others.
‘It’s not you, it’s me’ and ‘Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together- Marylin Monroe’ are among millions of quotes used to herald the end of romantic relationship if things hadn’t been good for a while.
Millions of love songs about heartbreak have been penned across the world, each a testimony to the universal experience of love lost. From haunting melodies and soulful choruses to weird danceable upbeat music, these songs capture the raw emotion of heartbreak. It is during and after streaming these songs that millions of anguished, heartbroken people end up saying that such heartbreak themed songs got them through breakups because of their messages and that they found comfort that they were not alone in having such an experience.
And while some people take the time away from the dating scene to heal and mend their broken hearts- choosing to spend this time finding comfort in their inner circle of friends and family, going on adventures, learning new creative skills or participate in physical activities that help them release pent-up emotions- others chose to dive right back in to the dating pool. They go by the infamous saying, ‘to forget an ex, get under someone new.’
Having spent no time to process and reflect on the breakup, such people immediately seek out new romantic partners for one reason or another including one night stands, friends with benefits and other casual arrangements such as ‘situationships’ as long as the do not have the time or space to think about the previous heartbreak. They will get into as many temporary romantic situations as need be as long as they do not have to face their own emotions and thoughts. And such hurting people tend to hurt the new people they bring into their lives, especially if the breakup was toxic and dramatic.
But what if the relationship ended on amicable terms? No drama, name-calling, toxicity and spilling each other’s secrets? What if such a broken up couple individually took the time to heal and reflect on the break up before getting into another relationship down the line? Would their next relationships be healthy based on if they processed the initial breakup in a ‘healthy’ manner?
According to Dr Venus Kyengo, a Counselling Psychologist at The Myndspa who spoke to Nairobi News, this is highly likely to happen, only if these individuals “take time, heal and then stand and move on.”
“Whenever you go through a breakup, take time to heal, see a therapist, go through the issues that were a challenge in the relationship and make sure that you have exhausted every single point on your list. If there were some hurtful feelings, make sure that you have gone through healing. Because, moving on too quickly- too fast, too furious- into another relationship, is like getting into a war zone when you already have wounds and the ending is known.
So use that break to do self-introspection because it is very important, and it also helps you open up your mind about who you are in character, who the other person was, the flaws that you had and how you should have rightfully navigated around them. This is so that if the partner you are going to get in the future has similar character or traits like your ex, you will react in a better way as opposed to going back to your old patterns and reacting in a similar way with a different person,” began Dr Kyengo.
But how can a person coming out of an amicable breakup process the end of their previous relationship in a healthy manner to ensure that they would be ready for a new relationship?
“What we are saying is that, taking a step back to reflect and introspect is very important because it helps you to be able to deal with the future well. We say that we are a product of our past and mostly it’s because a lot of people walk with traumas that have never been addressed and they end up being such a mess in the future.
So if you want to have a successful relationship, it is important that you declutter your mind, your emotions; and you get your wounds addressed so that when you get this new person, you are as good as a new car. Otherwise, it is very easy for you to be reacting in very awkward ways and not relating with love because you are a wounded person. So it is very important to take time, heal and then be able to stand and move on. Only then can you be able to embrace real and true love,” concluded Dr Kyengo.
And having taken time, healed and reflected on a heartbreak and end of a previous relationship in the healthy ways recommended by Dr Kyengo, a person would then be poised to enjoy a new relationship that could have better open communication, trust and honesty, great emotional intimacy and mutual respect that could ensure the longevity of the relationship- possibly until death do them part.
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