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The challenge of finding love after dating the ‘perfect’ lover

By Winnie Mabel December 9th, 2023 3 min read

Ladies and gentlemen, we all have that one person on the back burner in our minds…that person who was great to be with in a romantic relationship.

You dedicated all Boys II Men, Westlife and Mariah Carey songs to them because they were the embodiment of the unconditional love you felt you deserved from them, and had for them.

They loved you deeply and immensely, paid you the right amount of attention and gave you the space you needed to breathe and grow in the relationship. They actually wanted to spend time with you (without being asked!) and do adventurous things.

They also wanted to chill out and simply watch television with you without any heat being fanned. Of course, they had ‘bedminton’ prowess that was neither too demanding nor underwhelming. Like a cup of warm tea and the right amount of sugar on a cold, rainy Saturday morning, they were perfect for you.

But because we are all human and to human is to err, the relationship came to an end. Tears were cried, words were said and all emotions were felt from disbelief to acceptance. The relationship came to its end, leaving you in a position to think about what it would take you to start all over again and if you will find anything closer to what you had with your ex.

This is where the new challenge rears its ugly head. Meeting someone new after leaving a relationship with someone you considered perfect for you.

Right off the bat, your first challenge would be fear of disappointment by the new/potential lover. Your ex already set high standards of romance and lifestyle for you such that this can hinder you from wanting to experience other standards with someone else.

This would make you shut down and probably put off getting into a new relationship because you would constantly be comparing the new lover to your ex.

The memories of your former relationship may also harden your heart to new love- even if a highly compatible new lover walks your way.

Your eyes and heart would be closed off to them because you already have unrealistic expectations on potential lovers, and judged that they would not be up to task.

This refusal to adjust your love beliefs and expectations would only leave you bitter (occasioned by the end of the previous relationship you thought was perfect and would last forever) and single for much longer that you had anticipated to be.

Additionally, the ‘perfect’ ex-lover- if they are the ones who ended the relationship- will highly likely leave you with trust issues if they blindsided you with the breakup. You may have been in a love bubble in your head and never noticed any signs of cracks; but they did.

These trust issues will impact any future romantic relationships you have because one foot will always stay out the door and your heart wouldn’t be 100% committed to the relationship. You would not only hurt your new lover unnecessarily, but yourself too because you will pile on more emotional damage on yourself- from your ex and from the new lover who will definitely have issues with you.

While it will be challenging finding new love after breaking up with the ‘perfect’ ex, as cliché as it sounds, time does heal all wounds. Before considering new love, you might want to take as much time as possible and ‘thaw’ from the former relationship and understand that people are different. You won’t get the same relationship as before, but you are wiser now and know what to do and expect in your next relationship.