CITY GIRL: Four things that make you the best city wife
After many moons of research, observation and in-depth interviews with married men in Nairobi, I have finally come up with the perfect guidelines for what it takes to be a happily married woman in the city.
So, are you a typical Nairobi married woman? If yes, then you are lucky, I have a treasure chest of knowledge. If otherwise, worry not girl, for I can assure you that you will learn a thing or two.
Tighten your belts, girls. This is your captain Njoki Chege and I will be flying you 30,000 feet above marriage level.
1. Spy on him:
I have declared severally on this platform that a married woman’s investigative skills can make the entire CIA blush with embarrassment.
As a married woman, you have to be a detective. Spy on your husband’s every move. Go through his phone when he is asleep. Eavesdrop his phone conversations. Steal a glance at his phone to see who he is texting.
Go through his Facebook inbox to see which damsel has been messaging him. Go through his e-mails to see if an ex-girlfriend from New Zealand has e-mailed him. Go through his pockets when he comes home at 1:21am. Ransack his car like a mechanic; looking in every crevice for clues.
In short, always look for clues of a cheating husband; a strange scent, a stray lip gloss in his car, a ‘sweetie I am home’ text from Sheila, a receipt…I don’t need to tell you what you already know.
When you realise that you haven’t found anything on him, manufacture a lie, just to start an argument.
Remember, Nairobi married women thrive best in discord.
2. Join Kilimani Mums:
Are you a frustrated married woman on Facebook? Are you an idle Kilimani Mum without a job depending on her CEO’s husband fat salary? Then you are the perfect candidate for Kilimani Mums.
They never advertise, but they are always open to idle, bitter, frustrated married women who have something to say.
Join Kilimani Mums if you are an upmarket woman or Hello Mamas for the Kinoo types. Once you join the Facebook group, ensure you share all your marital woes with members.
They will comment with misleading advice and you must take it. Also post information about your children and that mother in-law from hell, and especially about that sister-in-law who is the devil incarnation.
Every married woman in Nairobi who knows what she is doing is on Kilimani Mums or Hello Mamas. Which one will you join?
3. Be over-protective of your husband:
Forget what the pastor said on your wedding day about trust and love being the building blocks of marriage. A married woman cannot afford to trust her husband. You must watch over him like an eagle.
He is successful, good-looking and well-dressed, therefore, expect a lot of rivalry. Do not let your husband wander off your sight, especially where there are women. You cannot trust Nairobi women. Take it from me.
Therefore, to keep your husband off the market, you must do the following things; go jogging with him – those pretty young things with curvaceous backsides must know he is taken.
Accompany him to the gym – those single, desperate women in their 30s do not go to the gym to exercise.
Oh and when your husband travels to say, the UK, here is a trick you must learn. Ensure you pick him at the airport and take charge of his bags.
Once you get home, rummage through the bags not to see what he bought you, but what he brought that pretty young thing in the office.
Look out for perfumes, gold-chains, sleek phones or even earrings. Ask him who those goodies belong to.
If he says “Oh, they belong to Jack’s wife. Jack did not have space in his bag”, immediately call Jack’s wife and tell her ‘Girl, your stuff is here’.
That way, you have ruined your husband’s plans of surprising his girlfriend with goodies from New York.
4. Do not submit:
Submissiveness is so yesterday. The Nairobi married woman is a cocky, strong-willed woman who does not listen to her husband or anybody else for that matter.
The worth of a married woman is measured not by her submissiveness, but by her kichwa-ngumu attitude.
For you to be a happily married woman, you have to be quarrelsome and as annoying as you can be.
Disagree with everything your husband tells you and do the exact opposite of what he says. It does not matter if he makes sense or he has a point, or he is wiser than you, darling, disagree if it is just for the sake of it and for a happy life.
