Nairobi News

1. Last minute is the magic phrase that must govern all your Christmas plans.

Book your bus or train or plane tickets at the very last minute. Complain bitterly if everything is fully booked, or worse, if the fare has been hiked. Threaten to never use that particular mode of transport again, even better if you post a hashtag on social media #boycottkenyabus.

2. Christmas decorations are the name of the game. 

You must have a Christmas tree. Make it as big and as gaudy and as over the top as you possibly can. It must be bedecked in balloons, and balls of cotton for snow, never mind that it never snows here.

We all know that a truly authentic Christmas is a white Christmas. Just look at all the Christmas movies.

3. Take your kids to the malls

Take your kids to the malls and pressure them to look as cute as possible as they sit on Santa’s knee for photos. These pictures are going up on Facebook and Instagram, or if they are particularly good, you might even frame them for the imaginary mantle over your imaginary fire place where imaginary Santa Claus will make his grand entrance bearing gifts- the ones bought by you.

4. Find a kesha to go to on the 24th.

Could be in a church or at a favourite bar, it does not really matter. The point is to be awake at midnight so you can mass text all the contacts on your phone that corny Christmas message that was forwarded to you last year.

Personalized texts, let alone handwritten Christmas cards, are so last century. You’re with it now, so make sure your forwarded message of choice has those Christmas trees constructed out of symbols. Big bonus points for effort.

5. Start Christmas morning off with a massive chapatti fry up.

Let the scent waft enticingly over your fence- the neighbours must smell your success. Make sure you make enough chapattis to last everyone an entire week.

The point of Christmas is to cook more food than you can possibly finish or have enough space for in the fridge, ensuring that by day 3 everyone has a bad stomach from eating suspect food. That’s what eno is for.

6. Spend all your money, and I mean all of it.

Throw rounds at the local, lest everyone think you’re stingy. You must never turn down a party plan, no matter how impromptu. It is Drinkcember, after all, get in the spirit of things. Pay top prices for vacation spots because you have a taste for fine things.

Take a loan to finance it. The point is to be broke in January so that you can enthusiastically participate in all the #njaanuary lamentations. That is how we do things here, enjoy our self-inflicted misery.

7. You must always cross over into the new year with resolutions.

This is because you are a Kenyan of substance who is keen on continuous self-improvement. Go all out and make them as grand as possible: you will get that job/promotion/car/spouse/beach body.

It does not matter that this year’s resolutions were abandoned by Valentine’s Day, everyone knows that the beginning of the year is a time of re-invention. Haven’t you heard the phrase, “new year new me”? It was made for you.

8. Cut everything off from your life that does not add meaning.

It’s time to Marie Kondo (google her) your way into happiness. The biggest culprits here are people, of course. Cut off those who drag you back from achieving your wildest dreams. Make sure they know by posting on social media: “If you don’t hear from me this year just know that you are no longer in my life”.